#I keep on being so dramatic about my 8 month break as if I was seriously ever out

[destielhands]

I like to pretend I got back into the spn fandom because I genuinely missed it, which is also true. But if I’m being 100% honest I just got drunk last April and decided I wanted to watch destiel edits on my phone for 2 hours. That’s how I returned, not with dignity and purpose but with sadness and insanity. And honestly after the Misha is bi disaster that immediately followed my revival, I was certain that this fandom is what I always needed because no other online space could ever recreate those brain chemicals

[kings-highway]

some safe-for-work headcanons regarding how they might of gone about having sex for the first time for some of my favouritr haikyuu ships:

daisuga: look you know these bitches had it scheduled. not like a meticulous planned thing, but it was definitely something they knew was going to happen in advance. Like they talked about it, agreed they both wanted it, and then 3 weeks later Suga's parents go away for the weekend and they know like a solid week in advance that their "hang out" on Saturday evening is basically exclusively so they can have sex. They're very prepared. This also probably makes that week of training super annoying for the team bc they cant figure out why their captains are being SO overly giggly like you are seventeen/eighteen year old men wtf is going on.

iwaoi: i've always thought they were probably way more nervous than any of their friends assumed and definitely did not have sex as early as people thought. like mattsun and makki both constantly tease them in a way that insinuates they're actively having sex but they probably didnt actually do it until like... the last few months of high school. They were both just nervous! Iwa was very afraid of rushing things and doing it "wrong," and Oikawa wasnt even sure what doing it "right" would be so they had like 6 false-starts before they actually managed it.

ushiten: dorm living is not condusive to intimacy so when for the first time in like 8 months since they started dating that they have a confirmed evening with a locked dorm alone they end up making out for just a crazy amount of time. Tendou is too nervous to actually move anything forward because he's too anxious over the possibility of rejection but he keeps making these weird half-insinuations like "haha I cant believe nobody's going to be back for another four hours... we could do anything and get away with it... isnt that so funny... like nobody would know if we were making out or having sex or just reading a book... haha... isnt that crazy... me and you..." and he's all weird and twitchy about it until Ushijima tells him he doesn't think the idea of them having sex is crazy at all and then it is on immediately.

kuroken: highkey, kuroo probably lays out like a whole romantic, corny ass evening with candles and rose petals and is prepared to have a whole long conversation about being "ready" and Kenma just sort of rolls his eyes and is like "have you finished talking? this is Too Much. I need you to understand this is Too Much. Oh my god I love you but WOW." (it works anyway and Kenma is sufficient wooed).

tsukkiyama: this one might be a little out there but I genuinely think they're the most likely to have it happen by accident, or in a spontaneous moment of opportunity. Like they both intend to just take advantage of the empty house with only a bit of making out and then suddenly they're losing their clothes and it's like "we'll have a conversation about it tomorrow, im sure."

kagehina: okay this one is more stupid but I imagine after they've been dating a while Hinata is like "you know what, im ready to take the next step" but Kageyama cannot read ppl so Hinata's somewhat obvious attempts at seduction go entirely over his head, and Hinata is getting increasingly frustrated and dramatic and trying really really hard to get Kageyama to realize what he wants and it ends up causing a fight between them because Kageyama thinks Hinata is being weird and Hinata thinks Kageyama is being intentionally distant and eventually Kageyama blows up and is like "Oh my god if you want to break up or something just say so!!!" and Hinata is like "Oh my GOD I dont want to break up with you I want to have sex with you!!!" and of course that shuts everyone up and unfortunately Yachi is probably also there and wants to die.

[rzyraffek]

Hii! I’d love to see some slasher possessive tendencies (nothing dramatic, just small things that show how obsessed they are with their s/o). And I’d love to see Brahms included please and thank you! 👀💕

Ello! Most of slashers are incredibly possessive😭 good luck with that.

Gender neutral s/o!

Slashers being obsessive and possessive of their s/o

Brahms

Physical touch. His hands are always on them. ESPECIALLY around when yall are around other people. Others have to know that they are together!!!

Goes with s/o EVERYTHERE. They must go to shop with them! Wanna go outside and walk in peace and silence in garden? Uhh nah he wanna go with you! Even if s/o asks nicley to leave tjem be he might spy on them :[

Will share everything with s/o! His clothes? Our clothes you mean! Please wear his shirts! Its also vice versa, s/o's jewellery and clothes are also his. They gonna catch him using their favourite cologne or wearing their jewellery!

Wants to hold hands 24/7, doesnt care if s/o sweats! He loves them too much~

Sometimes s/o can wake up and this guy will be glued to them! Im taking wrapped arms and legs around them and s/o can feel his chest moving up cuz its so close😭

Asa Emory

Bro is not letting them leave his warehouse. Yeah sweetie he loves you but you are just too too perfect for him to let you go :[

Bonds by watching animal documentaries about bugs btw

Picks clothes for s/o. He takes your style and preferences in his mind but usually forgets and just buys what would look good on you (at least what he finds cute)

Not very clingy

Lets them paint his nails if they are nice enough

EXTREMELY jelous. S/o mentioned that some guy smiled to them when they were buying groceries? He will get offended😭

The hush

8 years later and I still have no clue what his name was??? Let's call him John because people seem to call him that

John will keep his hand AND eyes on them. Hands on their legs, shoulder, or just holding their hand (thats rare, normal affection with this Goober? Nahh)

Constantly staring at them, looming around and looking what they lover is up to (up to no good surely)

Makes them play video games with him or watch them play

Checks their phone when they are asleep cuz he gotta know everything

Micheal Myers

👁👁

No touching, no verbal nor physical affecion

Dude will hit them with 👍 on daily basis

He seems like he doesnt care, like he has them around for no reason. But of God, this guy knows everything about them. He watches them daily. You can't find Micheal? Oh dont worry sweetie he is keeping you safe, just dont look thrue window :3

Extreme jelousy, s/o can bearly talk to people😭

Okay okay I lied with no touching, its just rare! Sometimes he rests his head on top of theirs or puts his hands on their shoulders or hips

If s/o makes something from him (like drawing, peace of jewellery. Hell, even if they gift him random rock or something) that dude if gonna wear it till the end of the world, even if it breaks off? He has pockets or tape. Even if s/o skill improved and they made better? The more the marrier, he wants all!

Billy Lenz

Gets jelous when s/o gives too much affection and love to their pet

Lays on top of them

Bites, licks, woofs? As a sign of affection and love

He wants the bite marks or Hickeys to be visable so s/o friends know that they are taken!

Not as extreme as Micheal or Asa. S/o could have 2week trip to Egypt and as far as he gets to call them whenever he wants, he is fine

I still remember one time that someone requested Billy Lenz fic, asking for 'sloppy toppy' and it was 4 am and I didnt know what it was so I googled it and I kinda laughed very loudly and my mom woke up and took my pc away for month :( I wrote the fic btw

Anyways, barks at people when he gets jelous

Some of their behaviours might sound toxic or are literal red flag, but POOKIE THOSE ARE MURDERS😭🙏😱 idk if I still got the skill to write, it was a wild 8month break

[graendoll]

I finally watched the finale of 911 season 7 and my thoughts are below the break.

I have a lot of feelings about what they did and some of them are pretty "oof". Anyway, I realize I swept into Buddie fandom like two months ago and fell deeply in love with Buck and Eddie but after everything that is happening in fandom and in the show, I may slip back out as quickly as I came in because I'm not sure I can deal with the ship wars between now and season 8.

So yeah, if you want to hear what I think about where everything ended up, keep reading. Also...still a Buddie shipper in case it needs to be said 😅

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT PROCEED W/CAUTION

First, Eddie's story has me absolutely heartbroken even if I suspected a lot of it. Chris calling his grandparents, him leaving even if temporary. I knew it was coming and it still hit me really hard. I know Gavin was considering pulling back so I get it. And Chris will obviously still be a part of Eddie's narrative but ouch that hurt.

Next, the scene between Buck and Tommy was just icky to me. Daddy kink is one of those things I filter out of fic because it's a major fucking squick so the fact that Tim Minear put that on my screen against my will nearly had me throwing hands. Any positive I was trying to find in their date interaction was quickly vomited out all over my coffee table.

I'm not optimistic about Tommy leaving quickly in season 8 for any reason. The date was very much a get to know you situation and while I thought Tommy was being a bit harsh about Bobby, I can guarantee the BT's are probably drooling over the implications of that scene.

(This is one of the things seriously impacting my desire not to watch this show anymore.)

On to Hen and Mara - I am very glad we have a mostly resolved situation with Mara going in to season 8. Honestly this whole story line felt unnecessary and written for the sake of drama. The show is feeling very soapy and while I was giving it the benefit of the doubt because of how much the writers were trying to do in 10 episodes, they better knock that shit off. It's a far cry from the writing of episodes like Buck Begins. (The second reason I may not watch anymore.)

Also, every once in a while Athena does something that makes me absolutely despise her character and this episode was one of those situations. Her jumping to conclusions and threatening Amil was just, rushed, overly dramatic and felt unnecessary

If you needed to get her to Amils house for the cartel arrival, maybe have her go without homicidal tendencies?

Honestly the only storyline that got any room to breath in this episode was Eddie's.

Which brings me to my final thoughts, specific to Buddie and the future of that ship in canon.

First, that will is never going to come up again. It belongs to us now. The writers have elected to ignore it for three seasons and it's never going to come up again, unless Eddie actually dies.

Second, the continuation of BT and the loss of Christopher is like a fucking death knell for Buddie in canon imo. I hate it, but without Chris, they are no longer a little family. Whatever magic was happening with Buddie up to the shooting scene has not been recaptured, and I'm not sure it's ever going to be at this rate, especially I'd the writers don't fix their soapy garbage.

Am I old and cynical? Yes. Does that make me wrong? Maybe...but right now what we have is Buck happily engaged in a weird Daddy kink relationship, Chris, one of the main points of connection between Eddie and Buck, out of the picture, and Eddie probably finding God and repenting for his sins.

Okay I made that last part up but it's a real fear!

In either case, I feel like we were horribly ship bated all season, and it was done only to create buzz for the show on a new network with a new queer character.

I miss when fandom didn't have access to creators and didn't feel like a place you could win because the BTs are going to be A NIGHTMARE for the rest of the hiatus and frankly I don't want to deal with toxic ship wars while we all wait for season 8.

So yeah, happy season 7 finale? 🤣

[torque-witch]

Hey, good morning! I know I’m super casual on here outside of business posts - but maybe there are some newer people around that don’t know much about me, so let’s recap and go over some goals for the new year! (Long post ahead!)

My name is Cara - most people on Tumblr call me Torque - and I’m 32, non-binary, disabled from complications of Crohn’s disease and medical misadventures and am currently a full-time artist! Many people either know me from being more involved in the witchcraft and pagan communities from about 2014-2017 and some know me from when I started creating Hel Mary’s around that time as well and selling crafts here and there to keep me afloat outside of low-paying jobs at the time.

In 2017/18 I was working 55-65 hours managing an auto parts store (part of the lore of why my username is Torque) while simultaneously getting sicker and sicker, so I couldn’t devote a lot of time to witchcraft blogging and art anymore.

In 2020 I took a layoff from that job when Covid hit because I was on injections that shut down part of my immune system to help control Crohn’s disease, as I was still being monitored after a huge GI bleed. I was also developing medication-induced Lupus from the injections and my joints were starting to suffer as well as causing me frequent fevers. I decided not to return and instead focused on selling my art online full time and did really well for a minute while the pandemic was in full-swing.

Unfortunately by mid-2021 I was starting to develop strange symptoms like tachycardia, waking up in something similar to a panic attack, nausea, hot flashes and was having trouble eating - particularly in public. Long story short, I was told to get off of an anti-depressant my GI had me on for chronic abdominal pain because it had a black-box warning for tachycardia and heart-related events. 4 doctors (non-psychiatric) told me I could stop taking them cold turkey, even though I was on 25-50mg daily for 3 years at this point. After 3 hospital events, I decided to stop taking them and legitimately within a day I could not get out of bed, couldn’t eat, my guts were a wreck and I couldn’t walk up stairs or down even 3 blocks without my heart rate being 160. Even more doctors denied anything was wrong with me, and said that withdrawal from antidepressants is not real. I developed agoraphobia and a resurgence of horrific emetophobia. I was in talk therapy for a year and exposure therapy for emetophobia for probably 8 months and while my agoraphobia has dramatically lessened, exposure therapy was traumatizing me even more and I had to quit. I was and still do suffer from night terrors that are body-horror and phobia centric, but thankfully the worst of it was almost daily as I went through a 9 month, protracted antidepressant withdrawal period. The heart issues are mostly gone now, but I still have autonomic sleep issues and what seems like a permanent daily rotation of phobic spiraling thoughts and trouble eating.

In January of 2023, my husband and I were so financially a wreck that I had to get another job again since I had almost no audience for art and witchcraft anymore and had been too sick to really put much effort into it. Even though I was still feeling unwell, I got a job at a local catering place and stayed for a year and a half part time. Another long story short, but that job was making me even more sick. I did have improvements and overall feel like it helped me get through agoraphobia, but I never received pay stubs the entire time, I couldn’t report the income even though I filled out a W2 THREE TIMES, and my boss would never have a schedule and expected me to just come in on a whim while my sleep was still almost non-existent. By the end I was only tolerating 8 hours a week and still needing to rest after from the stress and being unable to eat before or during shifts.

It ended…weirdly…with my boss spreading rumors that I was having a mental break and my husband was abusive (he’s not???) even though she and other employees were concerned that I was visibly losing weight. I had lost 14 lbs by the end of it and still have been at least since the fall.

And so now we are at the present in winter of 2024. I had started to focus on in-person art shows again more actively in 2023 and toured a little bit with Oddities & Curiosities Expo in 2024 and am doing so again in 2025! It was really rough physically for me to do that while still catering, but for the last few months I’ve been finishing my 2024 shows and focusing on re-building what I actually want to do now that my husband has graduated his apprenticeship with pipe-fitting and can support us both a little easier. And to be clear, I couldn’t do this without him. His hard work has kept me insured and able to seek medical help without cost to me since we got married and now it’s giving me the option to actually take my work seriously!

So…phew. That was a lot. But! I legitimately do want to keep doing this, why I came to Tumblr in the first place so many years ago. I want to be a witchcraft and pagan blogger/writer. I want to keep creating Hel Mary’s and providing personalized statuary to other pagan practitioners, I do want to keep reading Tarot, I do want to keep developing my digital drawing skills, I will be focusing more on in-person shows and I do want to be self-sufficient while still honoring my health as it clearly isn’t going to stop causing me issues.

You can help by liking and sharing posts that you may see, reading my blogs and leaving comments or likes there, following me on other social media, following my shop/page, buying from me of course and becoming a member!

Memberships are $1, $5 & $10 and include (based on tier) automatic shop discounts, monthly outlook tarot readings, personalized tarot readings and sticker mail!

Y’all have supported me through this crazy mess, and for new people - thank you for finding me and sticking around! I genuinely could not have made it through the last years without the monetary support and without the great friendships and connections I’ve made on tumblr. I hope that I can finally do what I really believe in while navigating whatever the world will be like.

Here are some helpful links on where to find me, my projects, etc.

Instagram/Threads

Facebook Page

Website/Blog/Shop

Memberships

Join the Death's Head Divination Discord Server!

Etsy - please don't use to shop. Message me if you don't see something on Ko-fi! Keeping for reviews.

Free Resource Google Form - add your local community resources so I can build a directory!

I think that's about it! I'm posting on like 5 different platforms, so I'm sorry that I can't be here 24/7, but I am always somewhere and very reachable if you have questions, if you're interested in custom work, etc.

Ko-fi is the best way to support me right now because there aren't as many fees as Etsy and it has a lot more options like keeping my blogs in one place and memberships! If you follow me there you will also get e-mails when I post or add new products. See you there!

[frodo-with-glasses]

More Reading Thoughts: The Scouring of the Shire

YOOOOOO HECK YEAH LET’S GOOOOOOOOO

(Okay so I downloaded Phil Dragash’s reading of this and listened to it on the longest plane flight of my trip and may or may not have made a total fool of myself grinning at it throughout LOLOL)

(But I didn’t have time to write my reactions to it until now so here we go)

“On the further side of the river they could see that some new houses had been built…all very gloomy and un-Shirelike” Uh-oh.

BAHAHAHA the way Sam immediately goes OFF

“SCREW YOU AND YOUR STUPID SIGN TOO”

I love Merry trying to be a diplomat

Frodo like “oh goodness gracious, now what trouble has that Lotho gotten up to with MY house”

(Also that little bit of stealth sass like “well I’m GLAD he’s not calling himself a Baggins anymore, I can pretend I’m not associated with him”)

Merry be like “Fine, if you won’t open this gate, I’LL OPEN IT FOR MYSELF”

YO WHAAAAAT?? BILL FERNY?????

I mean I can’t say that I’m happy to see him but also it’s kinda fun to be this surprised. I’d forgotten all about him being here!

Haha the way he immediately runs away from Merry once he’s challenged tho

“Neat work, Bill!” HAHAHAHA

EAT PONY HOOF, LOSER

GOOD JOB BILL (the pony)

I love the fact that 50% of the hobbits’ intimidation factor comes from the fact that Merry and Pippin are so BigTM (and the other 50% is Swords)

Pippin listening to all this talking like “heck, I’m tired and wet and I don’t have time for this, just let me sleep in a shack if you want” is such a mood

Also Pippin tearing down the rule lists LOL

Sam has had it up to HERE with this nonsense

Me, at all the burning going on: “Uh-oh.”

“Looking both important and rather scared” Heehee X-D

“‘What’s all this?’ said Frodo, feeling inclined to laugh.” Me too, Frodo!

“Calling your Chief Names, Wishing to punch his Pimply Face, and Thinking you Shirriffs look a lot of Tom-fools.” OKAY SAM GO OFF LOLOL

OKAY SO at this point in the audiobook Mr. Dragash had the most BRILLIANT reading for this line:

“To the discomfiture of the Shirriffs Frodo and his companions all… [dramatic pause, then raucous laughter erupts in the background] …roared with laughter.”

I LOVE IT SO MUCH IT’S SO PERFECT AHAHAHA

He also had a great reading for this part:

The sheriff, shouting after them, insistent but nervous: “But don’t forget! I’ve arrested you!” Frodo, with the softest voice ever: “I won’t. Never. But I may forgive you.”

Sam has a friend! :-D

I mean I’m sorry that this is the way we find it out but he has!! A buddy!!

Now I’m sure “cock-robin” must have had a different meaning in Tolkien’s time…

“If I hear not allowed much oftener, I’m going to get angry.” Same, Sam.

Eeeew the table hasn’t been scrubbed for WEEKS?? I can only imagine it looking like the underside of a restaurant table, months-old crusty chewing gum stuck on it and all. Blergh 🤮

LOLOL “They would have started earlier, only the delay so plainly annoyed the sheriff-leader”

Our four hobbits have come back from their adventure so delightfully full of SassTM

My word, if I keep pointing out every funny thing that happens here I’ll be writing down the whole chapter. Look at the hobbits hustling the sheriffs who were supposed to be “arresting” them!

NOW WHO’S ARRESTED WHO INDEED 🤣🤣

For someone who’s supposed to be arrested, it sure looks like Merry is the one who’s in charge :-3

And all the sheriffs like “WE GIVE UP” and the hobbits like “okay :-D”

ROBIN WAS ONE OF THE SHERIFFS THAT THEY WERE MESSING WITH OH NO 🤣🤣

“We shall break a good many things yet, and not ask you to answer. Good luck to you!” OKAY PIPPIN GO OFF

(......This is getting very long so I’m gonna put the rest under a read-more)

Nooooo look what they’ve done to Hobbiton D-8

This whole conversation is so tense. I find myself wanting to cheer on the hobbits’ comebacks, but the ruffian here always gets the upper hand in the next line…

DON’T SNAP YOUR FINGERS IN FRODO’S FACE!! Heckin’ RUDE! Only the Sackville-Bagginses have ever done that, and that’s BEFORE Frodo saved the world! D-:<

HECK YES, PIPPIN!! TELL ‘EM!!

“Down on your knees in the road and ask pardon, or I will set this troll’s bane in you!” >8-D Friendly reminder that Pippin stabbed a troll in the gut to sAVE BEREGOND— *is slapped*

The fact that Pippin, Merry and Sam immediately jump to Frodo’s defense, but Frodo does not. That says so much about their friendship, and about Frodo, and how they all see themselves and their roles in this story…and it’s so sad that Frodo hangs back, not even willing to defend himself…

But also how bad*ss is that, letting your three armed friends charge to your defense while you just sit there impassively?? It’s like the “cool guys don’t look at explosions” trope.

Pippin has exactly the childish drive for revenge that you’d think he would, but Frodo sees the reality of the situation and knows Lotho has been played as a puppet and is now a prisoner to his own schemes. Good stuff.

Frodo: “Violence isn’t the answer.” Merry: “You’re right. It’s the question, and the answer is yes.”

MERRY’S SPEECH HERE YESSSS

(The way the music swelled here in Dragash’s audiobook was so good ahahaha)

“Come on! I am going to blow the horn of Rohan, and give them all some music they have never heard before.”

OH.

HECK.

YEEEEAAAHHH!!!!!!! >8-D

(And this was the part of the audiobook where I grinned like an idiot and clapped my hands and bounced a little in my seat and probably confused the guy in the seat next to me LOLOL)

Sam HIMSELF wants to turn back for the horn call!! And so does Bill! Aaaaahhh!!

AWAKE! AWAKE! FEAR, FIRE, FOES! AWAKE!!

This was so well foreshadowed by the Ringwraiths in Buckland at the beginning of the book I cannot bELIEVE—!!

TOLKIEN YOU GENIUS

(Writer Brain is just buzzing with this right now, sorry, LOL)

“And your face is no worse than it was, Sam.” Is Farmer Cotton calling Sam ugly?? 🤣🤣 He’s roasting his future son-in-law LOLOL I love him already

Even Farmer Cotton ships Sam and Rosie ROFL

Rosie just asked why you left Mister Frodo! What do you do??

>Tell her you love her

>Run away

Sam ran away! (What a mood)

I love that they built the fire just for fun and because it’s against the rules, LOL! A fire is exactly the thing that would cheer me up too!!

I assume Robin was one of the sheriffs that took off his feather and joined in the revolt :-D

Merry like, “See, Frodo?? Violence!!”

“Good for the Tooks!” HECK YEAH

“I’ll bring you an army of Tooks in the morning!” HECK YEAH!!

It’s so sweet of Frodo to be like “I still don’t want anyone to die” but also still turning the logistics over to Merry’ cause he’s The Plan Guy

What have I said all along?? Merry is the Smart One :-D

FARMER COTTON JUST SITTING BY THE FIRE

WAITING FOR THEM TO COME

Okay Sam’s father-in-law is heckin’ BAD*SS I LOVE HIM

This is literally “put down your weapons, I’ve got a sniper with a bead on you”

“He aimed a savage blow at Merry who stood in his way. He fell dead with four arrows in him.” YOOOOOOOOO!!

I like to think Merry didn’t even flinch. Just like…watched him keel over dead. HECK.

I love how bad*ss all the hobbits get to be in this chapter ahahaha

Aaaaand all the others give up. Nice >:-D

Aww, Farmer Cotton and the Gaffer are friends! And Cotton would have housed the Gaffer himself if he could have!! I love how sweet they all are to each other ^-^

HA! Okay, Lobelia, that’s pretty cool, I admit. Maybe you’re all right after all. ;-P

The Gaffer just telling Frodo off for leaving 🤣🤣 And Frodo politely apologizing!! Because even though the Gaffer’s problems are small in comparison to everything else happening in the world, they’re still important! I’m love

AAAAAHHHHH FRODO GASSING UP SAM IN FRONT OF HIS DAD AND ROSIE AND EVERYBODY 8-D 8-D 8-D

This is so stinkin’ cute. Lookit my silver-tongued Baggins using his Words of Affirmation again! It’s the least he can do to repay Sam for all he’s done, but I think it’s the thing that means the most to Sam.

Frodo: “Indeed, if you will believe it, he’s now one of the most famous people in all the lands, and they are making songs about his deeds from here to the Sea and beyond the Great River!” Sam: 😳😅☺️ Rosie: 😲😍🥰 The Gaffer: “Sounds fake but okay”

THE TOOKS ARE HEREEEEE

I frickin’ love the “lure them into a trap and surround them with hobbits” tactic. You never think hobbits can be scary until there are A LOT OF THEM VERY SUDDENLY

I also think this is a fun use of the hobbits’ canonical superpower of staying hidden in plain sight.

HECK YEAHHHHH MERRY LET’S GO

Seventy ruffians dead, and only nineteen hobbits on the other. As casualties go, that’s not bad! Sad that any hobbits died at all, of course, but it’s a relatively clean victory.

Also the book gets Very Historical for a moment and I think that’s Very Funny

Heck yeah Cottons!

HECK YEAH MERRY AND PIPPIN!!

And Frodo does his part by protecting the ruffians who surrendered! The pacifist has a role to play. :-D

Noooo, look what they’ve done to Bag End!! D-8

NOOOOOO THE PARTY TREEEEE 😭😭😭

ME TOO, SAM, UWAAAAAHHH—

(Ted Sandyman accidentally foreshadowing Sam going over the Sea??)

Frodo is very right. If more hobbits are like Ted, the Shire is in real trouble. Worse is the enemy within than the enemy from without. :-/

“Save your breath! I’ve a better.” HAHAHA YES MERRY LET’S GO

Oh but look what they’ve done to Bag Endddd 😭😭😭

“Yes, this is Mordor.” Thanks, I hate it :-C

“If I had known all the mischief he had caused, I should have stuffed my pouch down Saruman’s throat.” Dude Merry sounded so angry in Phil Dragash’s audiobook here. (Also can’t believe that Merry’s bag has become the running joke that it is LOLOL)

>8-O >8-O >8-O SARUMAN!!

Saruman: “Ah, yes, they called me Sharkey in Isengard! A sign of affection, possibly.” Tolkien, in a footnote: “It was not, in fact, a sign of affection.”

I….do not like….how Saruman casts such aspersions on Gandalf. Nor how his accusations almost seem to have some merit at the moment. “When his tools have done their task he drops them.” That is dangerously close to accurate, or at the moment it feels like it is. Gandalf did leave them, even knowing that things were going wrong in the Shire…

But at the same time, it’s not Gandalf’s job to fix everything himself! The hobbits got to participate in the saving of their world, and they got the honor and the renown and the incredible experiences and the personal growth that comes along with it. Same thing here; they get the opportunity to be the heroes and save their own home. It isn’t easy, but it is good, and it has its own rewards.

“Well, if that’s what you find pleasure in, I pity you.” Frodo couldn’t be more right. Anyone who takes pleasure and comfort in the pain and misery of others is a pitiable person.

Frodo still refuses to kill. His home was defiled…his last comfort stolen…and his honor insulted to his face…and he still refuses to kill Saruman. Holy cow that takes some major strength of character. What an absolute chad.

YO WHAT

SARUMAN TRIED TO STAB FRODO

(And Sam leads the charge to avenge Frodo because Of Course He Does)

AND FRODO STILL WILL NOT KILL

THE ABSOLUTELY CHADDERY OF THIS HOBBIT

Talk about heaping coals on your enemy’s head, bruh. Even Saruman has to respect it.

And Frodo extending the olive branch to Wormtongue. Truly the G.O.A.T.

>8-O

EYOOOO??

WORMTONGUE KILLED LOTHO??

AND MAYBE A T E HIM????

Holy COW this got dark 0_o

(Also Dragash made Wormtongue sound absolutely miserable on that “you told me to; you made me do it”)

Aaaand Saruman is dead

And Wormtongue is dead

Something something Saruman’s spirit looking to the West, from which he came, and where he can never return again, and then being blown away to nothingness…

It really is the saddest thing that the end of the war happens at the door of Bag End. Nowhere is safe. The movies have the hobbits return to an unchanged Shire, realizing that they’re the ones who’ve been changed by their experiences, and they’ll never be able to see home the same way again (which is, I think, analogous to the experience of American Vietnam vets)…..but here in the book, the war comes home, marring the very land that our heroes set out to protect, which is what Tolkien experienced at the end of the Great War. They’re different kinds of tragedy, and they both hurt, but I think this one is just an edge more bitter.

…..Anyway, I loved this chapter! It ends with on a downer note, but the rest of it was a lot of fun. X-P

[joan-deactivated20230204]

The "Favorite Comics I Read in 2023" Roundup

I didn't read as many comics this year as I have in the last couple- partly because I've been a lot busier with university and living in a new country, partly because I've been trying to read more books, and partly because I spent a good few months on a certain behemoth of a comic that'll be taking the #1 spot on this list. At the end of the day, though, I'm an opinionated woman who can't resist doing a retrospective on her favorite reads of the year. There's a few honorable mentions that deserve to be given note, though: Dogsred and The Jojolands are two of my favorite ongoing series right now, and the only reason they aren't making it onto this list is that they're too new for me to have a really solid opinion on beyond "I get excited when the new chapter comes out". I also, somewhat guiltily, want to give a shoutout to Sins of Sinister, which isn't what I'd generally consider a "good" comic, but which went a long way to revitalizing my interest in the X-Men after a decade of not reading X-books, pretty much entirely off the back of the new faggy characterization of Sinister.

Without further ado,

10. Chainsaw Man (Part 2)

Despite starting the year as probably my favorite ongoing comic, this comes in at #10, with my feelings on it going pretty hot and cold over the course of the year. It struggles with the same erratic pacing that all of Fujimoto's projects seem to encounter, but the highs are very very high- there's a very interesting story being built here in which the idea of normalcy and in particular its relationship to heterosexuality and domesticity are called into question. It still remains to be seen if it'll stick the landing, though, and admittedly I'm not thrilled about the last bunch of chapters. But it's been a fun ride this year.

9. The Joker: The Man Who Stopped Laughing

This was the year in which I tried to really get back to familiarizing myself with what the superhero genre has been doing in the last decade, and this was, surprisingly, a standout. It presents the most interesting take on the character that I've read in a long time, turning the "one bad day" narrative on its head by emphasizing the Joker as a character defined by the negation of an originating narrative. The real highlights here, though, are the side stories that accompany each issue, giving great thematic juxtaposition but mostly just being darkly funny shorts in their own right. It does end up hitting a lot of the shortcomings of most superhero comics in 2023, though- there's a subplot with the Red Hood that doesn't contribute as much as it should, an annoying interjection by a crossover event I didn't read.. but looking past that, this was a good one the whole way through.

8. Jojolion

I almost didn't include this because I forgot that I read this all the way back in February! I do feel pretty strongly that this is Araki's most developed work (although Jojolands is shaping up to be a strong challenger)- it breaks away so dramatically from the storytelling conventions that have defined his career, keeping a lot of the superficial elements of a shonen but using them to tell a much more intimate and everyday kind of story. All of this comes through wonderfully in the art, where Araki's trend towards more and more unrealistically beautiful people meets a passion for grotesque violence and painstakingly detailed backgrounds, imbuing the whole work with a wonderful surreal feeling. The comic is governed by a tension between the highly graphic shonen elements and the comparative mundanity of the story around family and personal identity, and it threads that needle in a way that is so perfectly unique to Araki's style.

7. The Pervert

Honestly it's a surprise that it took me this long to read this, given how its become cemented as part of the "depressive trans girl indie" canon. Narratively its a gut-wrenching look at the interplay between isolation and sexuality in trans womens' lives, but what really elevated this for me was the use of very muted watercolors and consistent 2x6 panel grids to imbue the work with intense feelings of loneliness, punctuated by rare moments when the format gives way to these beautiful full-bleed pages. Fantastic stuff.

6. One! Hundred! Demons!

Honestly, I'm a little bit at a loss of what to say about this one: there's just so much going on. Lynda Barry's memoirs do an unbelievably effective job at building the texture of a childhood and adolescence, drawing us into a life that is sometimes very funny and sometimes deeply sad. Barry's unique cartoonish style is used to great effect; juxtaposing the limited worldview with which a child has to process their own experiences against text carrying the reinterpretations of an adult Barry. The whole thing has a very intimate tone, and while that feeling is underscored by Barry asking the reader to consider the precarious relationship between truth and fiction within a memoir; I feel that the admission of her own unreliability only enhances the personal qualities. Absent of the expectation that we are reading a chronicle of events as they happened, the work becomes much more interesting as a way of processing events as they are remembered.

5. Shimeji Simulation

It's a little awkward putting this here because I haven't finished it.. or read it since the summer... but it's such a masterful work. It takes the trappings of the slice of life 4koma in such interesting directions, where the mundanity of the genre and the negation of drama become diegetic forces governing the world. But its not really a story about that- the character of the older sister shows up from time to time to prod at the limits of the genre, but its secondary to the very touching Girls' Love story at the heart of the work. I'd love to say more about the intersection of these threads and how the work deals with the idea of normalcy as it relates to adolescence.. but its hard to give good takes when I haven't finished it! But! I've adored everything I've read so far.

4. Choujin X

If you wanted to point a finger at why Chainsaw Man is so low on this list, its because I read another ongoing madcap thriller with a ridiculous amount of gore: Sui Ishida's Choujin X. The story, about an organization of super-powered beings tasked with stopping other super-powered beings while trying to avoid being turned into monsters by their own powers, is nothing spectacularly new for the genre; what stands out is instead Ishida's artwork. The combination of sketchy stylized penwork and black and white photography give the series a gorgeous, unique look. And this isn't to say that the story is bad, either: there's a ton of personality to the characters and setting that make it a very very fun and interesting read above anything else.

3. X-Force (and its spinoff, X-Statix)

I'm not sure what surprises me more: that this seems to have been lost to the abyss of history, or that I loved this as much as I did. Milligan & Allred's run on X-Force and X-Statix is far from the only take on "what if superheroes were selfish assholes", but something about this really hooked me in a way that nothing like it really has. Maybe its the specific choice to apply early 2000s celebrity culture to the X-Men, maybe its the fact that the asshole superheroes in question still manage to be rich and compelling characters, maybe its the comedy of jumping from Rob Liefeld's "Cable shoots a bunch of guys and grimaces" to Milligan & Allred's neurotic wanna-be celebs with powers, or maybe i just have a really big crush on Dead Girl. One way or another, this has ended up being the standout hit for my sojourn back into superheroes (and its probably telling that my favorite superhero comic is the one that tries very hard to not be a superhero comic).

2. Maka Maka

There's an impulse to dismiss this offhand as just being lesbian porn, which it is; but aside from being really hot this manages to be one of the most interesting and endearing explorations of sexuality and intimacy I've read. There's no tension between the porniness and the maturity of the narrative here- its a work focused on the complexities of sex and desire that is just as intent on exploring those themes as it is on giving you something hot to read. Pretty undeniably one of the best girls' love works I've had the pleasure of reading.

1. Homestuck

I finally sat down and reread Homestuck this year, having originally read it from late 2014 until its conclusion in 2016, and flirted with rereading it now and then but never really committed, partly because of whatever drama surrounded it in any given year and more emphatically because its really long. But now I feel that I can say very strongly that Homestuck is a masterpiece. Given the scale of the work, there's so much that could be said about it: how it uses the format of a webcomic to its full potential by incorporating minigames, animations, changes to the site, & so on to convey narrative; how it plays with genre in a really interesting way by making genre conventions diegetic (not just with captchalogues &co but with things like Causality acting as a clear narrative thread for the cast to relate to); how effectively it captures being a teenager online at a certain point in time; or just how funny so much of it is. I'm extremely glad I read it this year, partly to be able to have an opinion about Homestuck that isn't informed by my teenage impressions and Tumblr discourse, but more than that because it was an extremely fun journey. At some point I'd like to write something longer about Homestuck and its place in comics because I do think that it is overdue for a reappraisal that is not overshadowed by the fandom.. but until then all I can say is that I loved this more than anything else I've read in a while.

And that's what I liked this year :3 As far as next year goes, I'm very excited to see where Dogsred and The Jojolands go, and I have hope that MamaYuyu could be really great if the writing gets a bit less rote. I've also liked the directions Frieren and Gokurakugai are heading, as well as the new Penguin series thats currently going. Hopefully, 2024 will also be the year that I sit myself down and finally read Berserk, which has been an embarrassing blank spot for me for the past few years. Unfortunately because I'm not on Twitter anymore, I'm less on the pulse of the cool Indies coming down the line, but I'm sure I'll get recommendations for the really good stuff from someone somewhere. And! Maybe if we're really good, Togashi will leave some new Hunter x Hunter chapters under the tree.

[mleelunsford]

Commenced writing Nix of Nothing, Chapter 8

Between creating Chapter 7 and Chapter 8, I've been practicing techniques for comic making that have increased my speed dramatically.

With my tests so far, working on that mini comic I did Bael Out I was able to do 7 pages in a week, with lots of free time to spare, compared to my usual 2 or 3 at best.

The next chapter going public is Chapter 6. The longest chapter yet, it will take 4 months for everyone to see it.

So, Here's my plan for those 4 months:

Try to get Chapter 8 done as quickly as I can while keeping the quality what I expect from myself. If the speed I'm currently at remains true, this should take 3 weeks maximum.

Take at least a month break. This should give me time to not get burnt out, work on other things, and any other things that need to get done.

Here's where I try to get ambitious. After that month break, I want to start working on Chapter 9.

If, and right now that's a big big "if"... If chapter 8 is done speedily, and chapter 9 follows and gets done in 3 weeks as well, I will consider doubling my update schedule to 2 pages a week for readers to see!

Right now, that double update schedule sounds scary. Last time I tried it, it didn't last. However, last time I tried this, I was not this fast at making comics.

I'm really being careful about this though! We'll see how the next 4 months go, because as I see it:

Working on two chapters will give me a good idea of what my speed actually is, if anything feels bad about it, I will keep the current 1 update a week schedule.

I'm promising to not push myself to stress. If I'm stressed and burnt out about doing this speed, then that totally defeats the purpose of the experiment, and I will keep the 1 update a week schedule.

And finally, if everything fails, and I do not get as much work done as I want, this whole experiment will still put me WAY ahead of schedule. Even if I only get partway through Chapter 9 during the 4 months, that's still abnormally fast for me, and I will be relieved to be ahead of schedule.

In summery: If all goes to plan, you'll get more comics at a faster rate. If it doesn't, I'll at least be way ahead of schedule and have lots of time to make the comics even better.

Wish me luck!

[splishsplashyouropinionistrash]

hi guys i’m a little drunk and a little sad so pls ignore my rambling, here’s a writing update

yall i’m sorry i haven’t posted any fanfic-y things lately and i’m sorry TMHYHM hasn’t updated in a while (literally 6 months) i swear i have things written

TMHYHM 8 is almost all the way written i promise, i’m struggling so much with the last little bit of the chapter

the “minyard triplets” AU is also almost finished, i have literally a scene and a half left but the WORDS don’t want to WORD RIGHT and i regret learning how to write

i’m being dramatic both of those projects are going to be great once they’re finished, i’m so obsessed with them and i know y’all will be too, but oh my god. writing is??? so hard???

in other writing news, i have eleven (11) other WIPs that have taken a backseat for the moment but i feel you should still be aware of. in no particular order:

a neil dies (but fr this time) AU because i can’t control myself

soulmate AU (obsessed with this one)

kevin in the nest (pre/canon timeline)

tangled AU (so fun. neil is flynn, i’ll let y’all figure out the rest)

break up/make up fic (because i love to cause us all pain)

a 5 + 1 (five times neil can tell the twinyards apart and one time he can’t)

fantasy AU (in the universe of the fantasy book i’m actually writing)

perfect court AU (it came to me in a dream, literally)

high school AU (cause i love those SO. MUCH.)

a guardian angel (sort of) fic

an alternate universe collection fic (bunch of oneshots that could become longer stories if people like them)

the last five are all multi-part fics so those aren’t coming any time soon, but i’m excited about them anyway.

okay the writing news is over so you can tune out now if that’s all you’re here for, but i have more to say.

guys, writing is fucking hard. i’m not joking. i love writing with all my heart, and i love writing for this fandom, but ya boi is STRUGGLING

i’m not exactly… well? right now? my mental health has been on a serious downward spiral, and the words have just not been coming to me easily these past few weeks.

to blame for this, please see:

my (now ex) best friend for ditching me after six years

my OCD behaviors keeping me up all night

my mother

my chronic stomach pain

and much more!

listen, guys. i’m really sorry. i wanted to have something out for y’all last week, but it just didn’t happen. i wish i could tell you when i’ll be posting my work again, but i don’t know. i’m trying really hard to get shit done, but it’s not always that easy.

thank you all so much for your patience and kindness, i truly don’t deserve you guys. i feel genuinely so awful.

like i said, a little drunk and a little sad. thanks for reading anyway <3

[blackaquokat]

Nobody asked me, but now that I've finished the main story of both Danganronpa games (Let's Plays, anyway, I'm going to play myself now), here are the thoughts running through my head. This post will be for the first game, I'll make another post for the second one.

(spoilers under the cut: I know the games have been out for a while but still):

1. It took me a LONG time to finish the first game after the first execution. I really liked Leon and not just because his design reminded me of Kirishima from MHA. I felt really bad about the situation he was in, even if, you know, he still killed Sayaka, his death was Brutal. I stopped watching for a few months because it haunted me, until my sister encouraged me to keep going because she wanted to talk to someone about it.

2. On that note, WHY, of all the available classmates, did Sayaka pick Leon as her potential victim? Why, if your goal was to kill, would you pick one of the Ultimate athletes? I feel like she would have had far more success if she'd chosen Hifumi or even Chihiro (sorry bb, I love you). Is there a lore reason behind it?

3. All that said, I am unfortunately interested in Leosaya content for the dramatic irony and tragedy of it, so if anyone has suggestions, let me know, and I also want to see Leon and Ibuki being best buds because she left her music group to pursue her actual creative dreams and Leon hated baseball and wanted to pursue dreams of being a musician and I can see them teaming up to be in a weird-ass band together. Someone direct me to any Leon and Ibuki platonic (or romantic, I'm down) content.

4. I think Leon is gaining blorbo status for me, but not as much as some other characters from the second game, but this is in no coherent order so bear with me, and also keep in mind, I have yet to play through all his possible dialogue in the School Mode version of the game so this is liable to change.

5. I went from waiting eagerly for Byakuya to die to being devastated that he died in the second game to REALLY HAPPY that that apparently wasn't even him (though I do like the Imposter & would like to know more about them). AND THEN to being so excited that he's apparently in a power throuple with Kyoko and Makoto, OT3s FOR THE WIN!!!!

6. Hina and Sakura were really sweet, and I Loooooove how protective Hina was, because yeah, the whole point of the fourth case was she underestimated Sakura's strength, but I also think Sakura deserved to be protected. Just because she's strong doesn't mean she didn't deserve people defending her.

7. On that note, ya'll, when I didn't know what to expect from this game, I legit thought somehow Mondo and Taka were going to die in that sauna. My stomach was in knots over it. Then they just. Were bros. And I was confused but on board with them (platonically AND romantically) and then the second case devastated me and not just because I had to watch Taka be Sad for so long.

5. I feel...so bad about the whole case with Mondo and Chihiro. They were BUDDIES. I know the whole point of the story is that people betray each other but God, imagine the "motive" you were given wasn't so much a motive as it was a fucking PTSD break and it lead to you killing someone that you were not only cool with, but who admired you for qualities you didn't feel worthy of, just FUCK--

6. If you let yourself stop and think of the Everything about these games and the stories, it really fucks you up, let me live in No Despair Land where everyone's friends with each other and there's no murder--

7. Also, the whole thing with Junko. I remember, before I took a break after Leon's execution, vaguely wondering about her last words? But it was a fleeting thought that didn't lead to anything, AND THEN IT CAME BACK AROUND??? So holy shit, that was cool.

8. Gotta say, as frustrating as a lot of repetitive stuff in the game got, I understood why it was needed for the case solving portion. As some of you can tell from my Clone Wars series with sweetiepie08, I LOVE mystery solving stuff when it's done right, and even if some of them are So SO convoluted, it's satisfying to see how they fall together.

9. The VAs in these games are fucking awesome. Even if some of the shit they had to say was ridiculous (which is par the course if that's your job), they did so damn good.

10. YA'LL, I legit thought Makoto was about to be executed, so when Alter Ego suddenly showed up and saved him, I shrieked, and then KYOKO found him, and I know a lot didn't happen after that except a shit ton of exposition, but I was so psyched.

11. *sigh* I don't know what the public opinion is of Toko, but she drove me insane with the debilitating inferiority complex. And then the Genocide Jack/Jill thing happened and I mean, at least she was...slightly more interesting with that, but still, I think Toko was somehow my least favorite out of the whole gang, next to Hifumi. I also would not have predicted that she'd be one of the final survivors.

12. I legit thought Hiro was going to snap at one point after his long period of denial at the beginning. I thought he'd snap and kill someone or get killed, so when he survived until the end, I was very surprised.

13. Tbh, I did not predict the endgame survivors for either Danganronpa. I think literally all I would have gotten right was Makoto, Kyoko, and Hajime. Everyone else was quite a surprise to me.

14. Not to compare another Danganronpa character to MHA, but I was super fond of Taka right off the bat because he's so Tenya coded, those two are definitely cousins or something.

15. Someone add onto my agenda of doing a Danganronpa x MHA fusion somehow, I'll make thoughts on another post.

16. I really loved Kyoko's dynamic with Makoto, idk why, and I just fucking love Kyoko in general, she's so cool. Sherlock Holmes, step aside.

That's about it! I'll make a post about the second game later.

[purplesurveys]

1737

Was the last person you hung out with single? One of them is, one of them isn’t.

Have you ever attended a private school? Yup, I attended one from kinder to high school. I only got to switch schools once – for college – because 1) my first school doesn’t offer university-level classes and 2) I actually had a dream university in mind.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? I’d say it was abusive in a few aspects, but as a whole I wouldn’t call it such.

Do you like drinking diet sodas? I just don’t like drinking sodas, period.

Can you make mashed potatoes from scratch? I probably could if I followed a recipe, but it’d just turn out like shit.

Have you ever cooked for anyone other than yourself? I used to bake cookies for my family, but now that I’m older I now know they were just being nice about the compliments because they tasted absolutely bland.

If your phone has a hole for phone charms, is it on the left or right side? I don’t think it comes with a hole precisely for that haha, but in any case I’ve never placed a charm on my phone. Just seems too Gen Z-coded for my taste. I like inserting a photocard within my phone case instead – like that’s the furthest I’d go as far as trinkets and such.

Would you rather live in the city, the suburbs, or the rural area? I would love to live in the city. I think I’d need the noise to keep my sanity. I’ve lived in the suburbs all my life and it’s mostly fine and peaceful, but I’m going with city also just for the change in scenery.

Do you know someone who is really ambidextrous? Not in real life.

Did you use a pencil today? Nah.

Are you adopted? I’m not adopted.

Have you ever had your car break down on you? Yes, and omg what a chaotic time that had been. I was on my way to a shoot that was meant to start at 9 AM, and it was like 8:30 and I stopped by a gas station to refuel but my car refused to start up again by that point. The gas station crew were really nice and all of them kind of checked up on my car at the same time til it was learned that the culprit was my car’s dead battery. My mom, who had been on her way to work, panicked for me and went all the way back to me (despite my hardcore begging for her to not be so dramatic lmao)… in any case we called up Motolite for a battery replacement and everything got resolved within an hour, or an hour and a half I think. Fortunately the shoot ran late because the TV crew themselves were late, and I was able to catch up with no issue. Who was the last person that cried in your presence? Gabie and Celeste, moments after Bea announced her resignation. 

Does your last name end in a vowel or consonant? I’m not sharing that.

When was the last time you ate at your favorite restaurant? The last time I ate in there would’ve been around 6-7 months ago. I got takeout from them just a month ago though.

What was the last thing someone gave you? Trina got me coffee this morning.

Can you write your name in a foreign language? I can write my name in Hangul.

Who is the person you often go to for venting? Depends on what I have to rant about. Sometimes it’ll be my sister, sometimes Bea and Trina, sometimes Angela…

Do you keep an actual journal or diary? No, this does the job.

Have you ever been prescribed Vicodin? I have no clue what that is.

Have you ever cheated on someone without them finding out about it? Never.

Was the last person you kissed male or female? Female.

Who were you with the last time you went swimming? Oof, I can’t even remember haha. When was I last at the beach…? Maybe last December?

Does your dining table currently have place mats on it? They’re not there permanently, if that’s what you mean. We just take them out if we have lunch/dinner together.

What was the last thing you cooked in an oven? I’ve never cooked anything in an oven. Baking, sure – that would’ve been cookies.

Do you say “I love you” even when you don’t mean it? I don’t think I’ve ever done that – I always want to make sure I mean it when I say it. Those three words hold such a heavy commitment lol.

Is it hard for you to be “just friends” with the opposite sex? No?

Do you prefer wheat or white bread? White.

[365sylviaplath]

On Entrusting Your Italian Granddaughter With Ritual Veneration (6th House x 12th House)

astrology blurb: one of the strongest aspects in my chart is my jupiter in the 6th house opposing my moon in the 12th house - aka the planet of excess in the house of routines/rituals opposing the planet of emotions (and maternal line!) in the house of the subconscious/unseen. Opposites in astrology have a fundamental sameness, both 6th and 12th houses can rule sickness and health. 6th will be what you can see (not brushing your teeth regularly will cause tooth decay, not taking care of your skin will inflame it) and the 12th will be what you can’t see (lack of spiritual fulfillment, undiagnosed and unacknowledged mental health issues and so on corroding the physical body and not always having a clear attribution). breaking your leg is immediately obvious, painful, and in need of specific next steps for care. lack of connection with your own spirit cannot be diagnosed or causally pointed out - you just generally feel something is missing and you can’t quite pinpoint what. some people make it really far in life without spiritual connection, and i find these folks make the more spiritual of us think we are just being dramatic about the absolute physical decay of not having a spiritual practice. the 6th house and the 12th house both rule rituals in this way, the things you do to keep yourself alive.

my grandma had intentions of a career. my grandma was born in the 1930s in massachusetts. subject to insufficient and frankly barbaric mental healthcare. was a nurse, had two kids, happy yet unhappy mother. had my dad when she was my age. i only heard her spoken about with tragedy interwoven. tried so hard, couldn’t be saved, the most traumatic loss - all about someone with my exact name. it’s not my narrative but it feels like something i need to know about.

when i was 25 (the age she was when she had my dad), i began to have a series of borderline psychotic (not using this lightly) episodes where i became convinced that i was somehow one of the near-zero percentage of people who got pregnant with an IUD. actual pregnancy tests said i wasn't pregnant, but i was exhibiting many… symptoms. i gained a lot of weight rapidly, i was always hungry, cramps, stretch marks, having to pee all the time. i would be up, in tears, eating lunchmeat (because it was the easiest thing to prepare) at 2 am some nights. it was truly purgatorial. at least with pregnancy, you know it will end eventually, but this just went on. on my 26th birthday after a few months of these periodic episodes, i broke down crying in my weekly yoga class about this exact thing. what would i do if i had to raise a child, how would i manage, i can barely afford to keep myself alive right now, what if i have to take care of someone, i can't take care of myself, i can't take care of myself, i can't i can't i'm so tired and bloated and yet still awake at 2 am.

to be abundantly clear, i was not pregnant, but boy do i feel like i understood a portion of the experience. absolutely no one could explain what was going on, not therapists, not medical doctors, no one. it was like the further i got away from it being even possible that i'd be pregnant and unaware (at the point of my birthday meltdown, i would've been hypothetically 7-8 months pregnant), the more intense these delusions got. somehow. the trouble was also that any time i explained this all to anyone, i seemed both as though i was losing my mind and also as though i just laid out an incredibly coherent and reasonable argument. the symptoms aligned, there wasn't an absolute 0% chance, and if it was somehow true that i was pregnant, i was having an incredibly reasonable reaction. i was in no position to bring a child into the world! i was NOT being nonchalant about any of it at all. i was carrying ONNNNN. loudly losing my mind.

several months into having this experience pretty regularly (and accidentally developing rituals around this experience) was when i realized i was the same age my grandma was when she had my dad. i wondered if it was possible that i somehow was feeling what she would've been feeling at the time? surely she was not allowed to express any of these feelings. i was altering my routines to make space for whatever this was. i had a routine of youtube videos prepared for me to cry to, intentionally-purchased groceries in anticipation of the Night Hunger, things i would do to physically dispel the anxiety i was feeling so i could eventually fall asleep earlier when this would set in. i was open to the possibility that i was just having very bizarre anxiety attacks, but it also felt so oddly parallel. no bad ideas in the brainstorm stage. i would hold these rituals on both of our behalf, in case that's what was needed.

every new detail i learned about her was illuminating. we both loved painting. prominent eyebrows and prominent front two teeth (i think the Hereditary First Big Toe came from grandpa). very motivated by service to others. perfectionist to the point of major meltdown. pretty unbeatable OCD allegations. i thought about how our names would be in the same spot on the roll call list if we were both alive to attend an event together, as insignificant as it might be. i wondered if she would have had celebrity crushes. my aunt told me she always wore a birth stone ring, and i wondered if she would've enjoyed learning astrology with me. i was really into birth stones as a kid because i liked how some concrete piece of information about someone (like a birthday) would result in a specific stone being "theirs". you always had the option to reject it and dislike your stone, but you were assigned one, to do with as you please. i like to think we would've queened out over whatever topic brought us together. i think we would’ve really loved each other.

i was always a fairly ritualistic child. from as early as i can remember, i was soothed by repetition, my body would only feel truly comfortable when i would do the same things in a predictable way. i'd wake up at the same time every day (no alarm), fall asleep at the same time every day, make the same breakfast, watch the same tv shows. i would enjoy the repetition, but only on my own terms. i had to choose it. i watched the same Barney VHS tape so many times that my parents told me i would wear holes in it. sometimes, these predictable repetitive things were actually incredibly uncomfortable! like wearing my favorite yellow sweatsuit for the millionth time in the depths of summer. or habitually wearing my favorite light up sneakers that were a size too small because they didn't have my size in the store and i Had To Have Them Now and i wore them all the time and now my pinky toes go numb (still) (into adulthood). these days, when i need to induce the Barney VHS experience (self soothing), i put on the season 2 finale of the Mindy Project and recite every line to myself.

anyone who is dedicated to ritual/repetition will likely face the stubborn allegations many times in their lives. some people see it as having a strong work ethic! but not everyone! there's an italian slang expression for someone hard-headed (Gabadost) which i had tossed at me by my mom's side of the family a good few times. i imagined my dad's mom would also be guilty of being gabadost. another thing about me: my first and last name belonged to my paternal grandma, but my middle name belonged to my maternal grandma. right in the middle of it all. my maternal grandma and i were very close! she and my dad, both capricorns with gemini moons, had a similar way of conducting themselves. all-time chatterboxes, DEEPLY anxious, but the most industrious people i've ever met. my dad had a very clear mirror in this hard-working, rigid, deeply loving Calabrese woman - i wondered if i was a similar mirror for my other grandma.

i think everyone needs an italian mirror. we'd be better off if more people knew that this is what they needed. everyone needs to meet their italian counterpart, who will throw an absolute fit over any minor issue on your behalf and bring you a pan of baked ziti after to make sure you're fed in your time of distress. about halfway into the Bell Jar, she meets with a family friend/doctor who is said to be italian and drops the all-time line that "she had a gentle intuitive touch, because she's italian" and Ms. Doctor subsequently takes her dire state of affairs very seriously, just off of gut instinct. giving a fuck and assessing the vibe as a means of survival.

italians have so many rituals you can't help but lose track after a while. every single day there is something to remember and celebrate. even in death, ESPECIALLY in death, there is always a reason to gather, bring a few dishes to share, and reflect/emote in a communal space without feeling bad about it (if everyone's making a scene, then no one is making a scene). i love an excuse to remember what has happened. i truly think the sheer number of rituals is why the trope of Little Old Italian Woman Who Lives Forever exists. conveying how you feel openly without fear of "being too much" (granted, many suffered at the hands of catholic guilt), loving people so loudly it can be heard in another continent, eating well, olive oil, gathering to remember everything - all of these things feel like an immortality spell to me.

i think being nonchalant was designed to kill you! live silently, die silently, and they're serving wonder bread and dry, unseasoned meatloaf at your funeral. i may not know everything. but i do know that *probably* the only way the unresolved business of a mentally anguished woman from central MA could resolve and her spirit finally find peace would be through the exorcism of her italian granddaughter. my perpetual loss of the idgaf war will be her peace. i imagine her spirit at the wake, watching as nobody can really process what has happened and silently wishing there was an italian girlie (of any age) screaming and crying in the distance. not quite having the language for it, but wishing someone could have at least brought a baked ziti. how are you supposed to handle anything in life, good or bad, without a baked ziti???? how can you ever seek to mourn when you don't feel held by the people around you, and when nobody has a language for their feelings, so the mourning is silently packaged away. you can bring the family to the church for the memorial service, but you can't make them spiritually connect. you can memorize the bible verses, show up every week to mass, put money in the donation box, but it won't make you spiritual unless you want it to. it would've been insufficient for jesus to simply show up to the same place and go through the motions. until you connect with the innermost Screaming Italian Woman, you're just sitting in the pew.

[mysecretlittlelibrary]

Normal's Overrated Anyway

Pairing: Steve x Reader

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: they argue, reader is sad, Steve is jealous

Genre: angst with a fluffy ending

Summary: you're tired of being hidden from the world by your boyfriend

***

You've been dating Captain America for about six months. The first couple of months were fine, but then the world started to get a little too close and Steve panicked. Someone on the team, you'd guess Sam since the others don't even know about you, suggested a public relationship to keep eyes off of you and it's been- harder on you than you expected. You generally try to bite your tongue about it but as you scroll through Instagram a bitter taste fills your mouth. Steven and his blonde haired blue eyed fake girlfriend are out at some game. You didn't know he'd be seeing her today. Twitter is no better with half your timeline talking about how amazing they look together.

You don't want to be jealous, you want to trust Steve and realistically you know it's fake- but that doesn't stop your chest from tightening the longer you look at pictures of them together. She's gorgeous, she's also model thin and tall as hell with legs that look like they never end. You're not insecure really, you know you're attractive but you look nothing like her and you can't help but be ruffled by how different you look. Why was this the girl Steve chose to showcase to the world?

You try to put it out of your mind for the rest of the day. You have work to do anyway. You work in publishing so you spend the afternoon reading through manuscripts that you need to review. You manage to throw yourself into your work deep enough that you don't even notice when your boyfriend comes home.

"Y/n! I'm home." Steve says says. When you don't respond he finds you in the living room and kisses your temple to get your attention.

"Oh hello." You say without looking up from your manuscript

"How was your day?"

"Fine." You say dismissively.

"What's wrong?" Steve frowns at your flat tone.

"Nothing. How was your day?" You ask, not even looking at him.

"It was fine I went- shit. Y/n I'm so sorry I didn't let you know-"

"Lemme guess you just, got busy or got distracted talking- because sending a text is just so fucking hard."

"Baby it's not like that." He says trying to reach for you but you slink away from his touch.

"No. It never is." You muse.

"Look I fucked up. I'm sorry, really. I wasn't trying to leave you in the dark on purpose, you have to know that."

"Right it's just- easy to forget your real girlfriend when you're hanging out with your fake girlfriend." You shrug.

"No. Not even close. She showed up with tickets to the game, it was kind of spur of the moment-"

"Steve- this stunted communication doesn't work. You have to do better if this is going to work." You say.

"I know. I know y/n I'm sorry. I'll do better. I promise." Steve says kissing your hand.

"I'd like to believe you- but I'd rather not get my hopes up to be disappointed again." You say standing up from the couch to shower. Steve stares after you feeling defeated. He never wants to hurt you and now he's doing it by accident.

***

"Babes you need to go out and quit moping over whoever has you bent outta shape." Your best friend tells you over the phone during your lunch break on Friday.

"Maybe." You mumble.

"Look- I got invited to this party tonight and you're coming with me. Get all dolled up because I'll be picking you up at 8 sharp." She orders.

"And what if I don't want to party tonight Rae?" You scoff.

"I'm not giving you a choice- I'm tired of seeing you all huffy over some dick."

"Fine- I'll be ready at 8." You sigh.

"Damn right you will, alright I gotta go- I'm needed on set."

"Ah yes miss makeup artist go make those stars look gorgeous." You tell her before hanging up.

When 8 o'clock rolls around you've put on one of your favorite dresses, a strappy gold number with a crisscross pattern in the back, paired with red pumps and a dramatic eye and red lipstick.

"Oh you look fucking hot!" Raquel says when you get into the car with her.

"So do you, but that's not anything new." You laugh.

"You stepped out with a vengeance and I'm here for it." She nods in approval as she drives off.

"Yeah well- the world doesn't stop turning so- time gotta make the most of it." You shrug.

"That's the spirit darling." She says. When you get there you immediately notice tons of semi-familiar faces. People you've seen but never met.

"You didn't tell me this was going to be an Avenger thing." You turn to Raquel.

"Oh yeah- it's an Avenger thing." She shrugs dragging you towards the bar. You order a couple drinks and your eyes scan the crowd for a target for tonight. You can feel several eyes on you and don't even notice that someone's moved to stand on your other side until he speaks.

"Excuse me!" A loud voice pulls your attention away from the general crowd.

"Oh- hello." You smile, taking a sip from your drink as you realize the man beside you is Thor.

"Hello, you look really gorgeous and I've never seen you at one of Stark's parties before. I'm Thor." His smile is charming as he holds out a hand.

"It's nice to meet you Thor- and I came with a friend who somehow got invited so- that would be why you've never seen me before." You say placing your hand in his which he raises to kiss the back of yours.

"Oh the pleasure is all mine." He says.

"Cute." You giggle.

"Well- if this is your first time at one of these events, how're you liking it so far?" Thor leans closer to you as he talks.

"It's- honestly a tad overwhelming." You laugh taking in the crowded scene before you.

"Yes! Stark certainly throws one hell of a party. The spider calls them ragers." He hums. Before you can respond a pair of blue eyes set into a hard glare lock with yours and your eyes widen as you take in Steve- and his blonde. Your jaw clenches for a moment before you simply turn away, giving your attention to Thor. Steve didn't mention he'd be going out tonight, of course he didn't.

"Well lucky for me I didn't come alone- plus I've made a new friend." You smile dazzlingly at him.

"If I'm the new friend I'd say I'm the lucky one." Thor smiles.

"We can both be the lucky ones." You say brightly.

"That's a deal I can live with." He nods.

You spend the rest of the night chatting with Thor, he's kind and funny and respectful the whole time and you're not quite sure if he was just being friendly or if he was flirting with you but he didn't make a single move in the couple hours that you're at this party and honestly you're okay with that. For the first time in what felt like ages you went out and had a good time, and that feeling had you floating even as you showered and got ready for bed once you made it home.

Steve however, watched you giggle and chat the entire night and felt his blood boiling even after he watched you and Raquel say goodnight to people and leave. He didn't leave immediately after you but he made sure to make his excuses with enough time to get to you before you fell asleep.

A knock at your door just as you're finishing up your night routine confuses you as you walk towards your front door. Steve is standing on the other side of your door, still in his suit. You contemplate ignoring him but he has a key so he could easily just come in if he knew you were awake. You open the door and walk back inside your apartment without a word trusting that Steve will close and lock the door behind him, which he does before following you into the kitchen.

"What the hell was that tonight?" He asks you.

"What the hell was what?" You ask as you pour yourself a glass of water from the pitcher.

"You and Thor giggling and canoodling all night." Steve huffs.

"Canoodling? You're exaggerating. We were just talking." You tell him, taking a sip from your cup.

"You were all over him. What was that?!"

"I'm tired." You sigh.

"You're tired?!"

"Yeah Steve. I'm fucking exhausted."

"That's your excuse?"

"I don't owe you an excuse. You saw for yourself I'm sure that Thor and I didn't do anything but talk. I'm not the one jeopardizing our relationship." You shake your head.

"That's what you think I'm doing?!"

"No it's what I know you're doing. The secrets, the broken promises, the lack of communication. I mean you didn't even tell me you were going to be there tonight. I can't do this forever."

"You think I want to be in this situation?"

"Well it certainly wasn't my idea Steve."

"I was trying to protect you. Protect us."

"Yeah we've had this conversation before Steve and I wish you wouldn't. I never asked for it and your protection is going to make me resent you."

"Is it not enough to know that I only love you?"

"No! If this is what your love feels like I'd rather you hate me." You say.

"You don't mean that."

"I do. I can only take so much of the entire world talking about how perfect my boyfriend looks next to his pretty blonde publicity stunt."

"Are you breaking up with me?" He asks and you shake your head.

"Consider this a warning, and hopefully a wakeup call. End this stupid publicity stunt of a relationship or you will lose me." You say.

"Y/n-"

"I have tried so hard to be the unbothered girlfriend but I can't do it anymore. Not like this, okay? I'm going to bed. I've had a long day." You finish your glass of water and leave Steve in your kitchen wondering how he managed to screw things up so bad.

****

The next morning when you wake up Steve isn't here. Not that you expected him to be after your conversation last night. To be honest you feel this may be the end of your relationship. He's so determined to protect this little slice of normalcy he feels like you offer him that he's putting you through hell to do it. You get a call from Raquel while you're making breakfast and you pick it up slightly confused.

"Bitch! Were you just not going to tell me the man you were moping over was Captain fucking America!?" She yells.

"W-what?" You frown. How could she possibly know that you didn't tell her.

"Girl it's all over EVERYWHERE?! Steve did a whole Instagram live about it. I didn't even know he knew how to use Instagram??? He told the whole world his blondie was a publicity thing to keep you out of the public eye and holy shit this is huge how could you hide this from me?!"

"To be fair I hid it from everyone Rae-"

"I hate you so fucking much!" She huffs.

"I can't believe he just announced it to the whole world like that-" you mumble.

"Wait did you not know?"

"Well no- he came here last night mad that I was talking to Thor at that party you took me to. He was there by the way. I told him that I couldn't go on with this fake girlfriend nonsense, that it was driving me insane to hide in the shadows. I told him he either had to end his publicity stunt or lose me. I didn't expect to wake up to the whole world knowing the truth to be honest. He works remarkably fast." You muse.

"He clearly loves you beyond words. I mean he told the whole world that he loves you but for his response to your ultimatum to be so- immediate. You have to admit it's quite impressive."

"Right well- as much as I love this conversation Rae I- need to go find Steve." You say.

"Oh my gosh- yes! You haven't spoken to him yet? Girl go!" She says excitedly hanging up. You finish up your breakfast and make quick work of getting dressed. You have a ridiculous boyfriend to go to.

You knock on Steve's apartment door before you can manage to talk yourself out of it but as you wait for him to open the door you almost convince yourself to leave entirely

"Y/n. Hi." Steve says awkwardly. He's unsure of how he should approach this conversation.

"Hi. Uh can I come in?" You ask.

"Oh! Of course. Right. Sorry. Come in." Steve moves away from the door to allow you in and then he closes it behind you.

"I uh- figured we needed to talk." You say.

"I'm guessing you saw-"

"No- but Raquel called me this morning to yell at me for never mentioning that I was dating Captain America." You explain.

"Right I uh- I'm sure you'll be getting a lot of that now." Steve says.

"Yeah well- I didn't expect you to move quite as fast with the whole ending your publicity stunt." You shrug. Steve grabs your hands and you look at him.

"I thought I was going to lose you. I couldn't let that happen. Not as long as you still love me."

"Of course I still love you." You caress his cheek.

"I'm sorry. I was so desperate to keep this part of my life normal and untouched by the chaos of superheroing that I nearly screwed it up irrecoverably."

"I know that normal was- important to you but-" Steve cuts you off with a deep kiss.

"Screw normal. I don't need it. As long as I have you." You can see the sincerity in his eyes.

"You'll always have me Steve." You tell him truthfully.

"As long as I don't pull another publicity stunt?" He smiles and you can't help but giggle.

"As long as you don't pull another publicity stunt, yes." You nod in agreement.

"Never again." He shakes his head before pulling you into another kiss. Things may never be normal again but he'd give up anything for you. He's known it since the moment he met you.

***

[riofann]

Rio Random Part 6

Master List 

This weekend Sean was busy fishing and hiking with his friends while Mia and Aunt Brenda were going dress shopping with Cathleen (Sean’s mother), Dorothy (grandmother), and Hannah (Sister). 

“OH! Doesn't she just look lovely!” Aunt Brenda complimented as you walk out with a dress she picked

“Well it's certainly not an heirloom but it looks good” Dorothy comments 

Cathleen looks at Dorothy before asking “Honey don’t you think you would like to keep up tradition?” 

“Of Course Mrs. Carmichael”

“Oh honey I told you just call me Cathleen”

“Cathleen” 

She smiled “Well I have a surprise I brought the dress so you could try it on!” 

“Oh Uh...” you looked at Aunt Brenda and Mia 

“We just want to see it on and if you don’t like it then so be it” 

“Sure, is it okay?” you ask the bridal consultant 

“Yea I don't mind!” 

You walk away with the consultant and stand in the dressing room 

Aunt Brenda: Over my dead body she's wearing that gaudy thing

Mia: it might look good on her Aunt B lets just see it

Aunt Brenda: You’re right but don't you think they are a bit overbearing

Mia: oh yea for sure but like Y/N said they aren’t letting her choose

Aunt Brenda: what does she see in that man 

Mia: I don't know but we just have to support as much as we can

Aunt Brenda: Yes we must

“Oh god”  you comment disheartened as you look at yourself in the mirror. The silk dress now off white, a solid cream color, looked terrible on you, you thought to yourself

“I'm sorry ma'am I can't zip up the back. But that’s okay! We can clip it in the back and our seamstress can definitely adjust it!“ 

You pull at the sleeves grimacing at what you saw in the mirror “Well maybe i can just show it to them and put a rest to this whole thing” 

“Yea! Then we can find the dress you like!” 

You take in a deep break and blow out “Here we go”

You walk out and not one person says a thing even after you are directly in front of them. Aunt Brenda and Mia hold a look of horror while Matts relatives mostly Cathleen and Dorothy look in dismay

“Oh” Aunt Brenda stands to take a closer look “I don't think this will work, it's not even zipping in the back!” 

Dorothy stood up and moved closer as well “Well Y/N simply has to lose weight. This gown was bestowed upon me by my mother in law and I gifted it to Cathleen so now its Y/Ns turn.” 

Hannah finally spoke “Yea maybe like 20 pounds or so make it 40 just to be sure there's enough time” 

“The wedding is 8 months away” Mia pointed out the unrealistic goal “Yea like Hannah said, you could lose around 20-40 pounds by then won’t you sweety?” 

“Well how bout she revamps it and makes it something new?” Brenda offered 

“Absolutely not! The dress is lovely i don't see a reason why i have to break tradition because of her” Dorothy argued back 

“We can get a seamstress to fit it to her body but the dress is just beautiful don't you think so Y/N” Cathleen bargained as she smiled looking at you in the mirror 

“Uh”

“Whatever decision you make is yours, i'm just here to help you” she added 

“It is lovely i just don't know how i feel about losing that much weight for a 1 day event” 

Cathleen rolled her eyes “It’s tradition sweetheart I think it will be fine you can balloon up afterwards” 

“The silk is almost brown for Godsake” Brenda comments 

“Aunt B” you try to warn her seeing her getting more upset 

“Well she’s no virgin why would we change the color?” 

A dramatic gasp leaves Aunt Brenda’s mouth “now let me tell you something!”

“She didn’t mean it like that right Cathleen?”

“Yes Mother dear, I’m sorry what i meant is we shouldn't be hung up on the color white, it  symbolizes being a virgin” 

“Would you let your daughter buy a dress that was this color?”

“Well...” 

“Ladies can I suggest, our seamstress can adjust this to fit her and also clean it up make is as white as snow if you want.” “I don’t see why we need to adjust the dress for her” 

“She is marrying into your family do you see her as family or not?” “Ladies!” the bridal consultant interjected again “I think you all  should sleep on it and make a decision later” 

“Good idea” Mia agreed 

“I’m gonna get this off” you mumble before turning to walk away  

“Its silk be careful dear” 

“I will ma’am” 

You remove the dress and the consultant leaves you to finish getting dressed

“Ma'am are you okay?” She asks  poking her head in, as you were taking longer than normal

“Oh!” you stand up dabbing your face “I’m sorry” you say as tears continue to roll down your face. 

She rubs your back trying to console you “For what it's worth it really is one day you can let them plan the wedding then do whatever you want for the honeymoon” 

“That’s just it , we are going on a family vacation instead. I can’t plan anything!  I hate the dress!” 

“Well if you hate it then don't wear it”

“You don't understand these people I just will not hear the end of it!” 

“I'm sorry” she sympathizes 

“I just need a few more minutes i will be ready sorry for taking long” 

“Its okay take as much time as you need” 

When you walk out, Aunt Brenda and Mia can tell you have been crying but Matt's relatives do not. During lunch you are quiet as you listen to Cathleen and Dorothy plan your wedding

“Well I thought we were gonna have Lilies on your bouquet?” Mia asked 

“They simply will not do roses are timeless and classy” Dorothy said without missing a beat

“So are lilies” Mia argued 

“Let's move along to the dinner menu” Hannah interjected seeing her mother and grandmother glare at Mia 

The group splits eventually and you are left with Aunt Brenda and Mia at your house

“You've been awfully quiet” Aunt Brenda comments as she opens up the bottle of wine 

“Yea Y/N tell us what's bothering you” 

You chuckle “it's a lot” 

“We are here for you” Mia says while rubbing your arm 

“Here”  she says handing you the glass of wine

“Is it the wedding?” Mia asks

You shake your head and nod “It’s so complicated I don’t know what to do”

“Now Y/N you are not gonna like what i have to say but i am not paying for a wedding you are not happy with!” Aunt Brenda proclaims 

“How do you know I'm not happy” 

“A blind man can see you're miserable. That damn mother in law to be of yours and her mother in law are taking over the whole wedding. God awful dress!” 

You sigh and play with the rim of the glass “Aunt B..” 

“No, I will not do it. You deserve to be happy!” 

“Yea I  haven't seen you smile since your engagement” Mia points out 

“It’s just a lot I’m trying to compromise on” 

“By compromising everything?” 

The three of you leave the kitchen and move to the living room 

“What does Sean say about all of this?” 

You shrug “He doesn't care. He’s a mommas boy you know.” 

“Ugh!” Mia exclaims “That dress is awful!” 

“It is” you agree “They are gonna make me wear it”

Aunt Brenda adds “And lose 40 pounds? If a seamstress can tailor it to fit your body after weight loss they can do it before i do not like it. Your mother made me promise i would look out for you!” 

“I know Aunt B. i know come sit,” You motion for her to move closer to you “i'm sorry i made you so upset” 

“Oh honey don’t cry!”  

“It’s just a lot.” You all sit in silence for a long time before you speak again “Rio stopped by” 

“WHAT?!” 

“Did I hear you right? Rio stopped by” Mia asks 

You nod “Yes” 

“Why?” 

Aunt B clasps her hands dramatically “Oh thank God! Finally!  My prayers are being answered!” You and Mia look at her strangely “Well don't look at me like that i want you to be happy!” 

“What did he want Y/N?” “The Feds came to see me so...” 

“THE FEDS, this is not what I meant Lord!” 

“Brenda!” 

“I'm sorry go on honey” 

“They asked me about him and when Sean and I came home he was waiting for me” 

“HA!!” Aunt Brenda claps her hands “what did Sean say?”

“He asked who he was” 

“In your face boy! You think you're a hot shot? In walks  Rio, the King!”

“We aren't going to be together Aunt B” you give her a look 

She throws her hands up “Aww come on Y/N i just want you to be happy!” 

“I know i am happy with Sean its just the wedding is adding a lot of stress right now” 

“I'm gonna tell you this. Me and your Uncle Archie we may have had our differences but one thing he did right was he stood up for me against his family. Sean doesn't even do that!” 

“I think its just hard for him cuz he tries so hard to please his family” You try to give an explanation 

“Or he’s a pussy” Mia comments 

“You say that missy!”  Mia and Brenda high five

“Really?”  you look at them before bursting into laughter and they follow along 

When the laughter dies down Mia asks you “so do you think he’s gonna be around?” “Seems like it” you shrug 

Aunt Brenda grins “At least you’ll have company now” 

You roll your eyes in response

Taglist: @enjoymyloves

[teddy06writes]

Can I request a Sapnap x Karl x Quakity x Y/N ? I just like polyam ships and your Sapnap x Karl x Y/n just made me want more

Ee hee, thanks for the request

Sapnap x karl x reader x quackity (THE PEOPLE ARE ENABLING MEEEE)

trigger warnings: swearing, panic attack

premise: you and your boyfriends are out shopping/ trying to get kicked out of a target when you run into your asshole ex, when he starts to bother you your boys take care of it

(y/n/n)- your nick name

(also we’re pretending covid isn’t a thing)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“(y/n)! We are gods!”  

You turned at Alex’s call, snorting upon seeing he and Karl T posing while standing in the target cart, Nick balanced on the front, also t posing.

You laughed at your boyfriends, quickly taking a picture before Karl started to wobble and fall, “You guys are ridiculous.”

“Yup!” Karl grinned as Alex helped him out of the cart to avoid falling.

You shook your head, quietly putting the picture onto your twitter with the caption, ‘look at these nerds <3′

“You guys are gonna die from idiocy some day.”

“Not when your there to save us.” Nick countered, pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“If anything they’ll get dragged down with us.” Alex scoffed.

“Tragically,” You muttered, “Did we actually come here to do anything but solicit?”

Karl giggled, “Well I thought we were just terrorizing the people of Target.”

“The only thing we actually needed was more notecards.” Nick reminded helpfully.

You smiled, “At least one of you is useful.”

“Hey!” Alex protested, “We’re useful too!”

“Sometimes.”  Karl giggled again.

“Betrayal!” He gasped dramatically as Karl threw his arms around his shoulders.

You rolled your eyes, “Well, if your useful too then, help me find notecards.”

Alex sighed dramatically, grabbing one your your hands and intertwining your fingers, “If we must.”

Karl grinned, hopping back to sit in the cart, “Lets go then!”

Nick rolled his eyes, muttering something about being ridiculous, before moving to the push the cart, you and Alex moving along beside them.

~~

A half hour later found many random unnecessary but still necessary items piled into the cart around Karl, and note cards had still not been found.

You were hallway through the seasonal section when you sighed, “Alright this is taking too long, I’m going to actually get the note cards, I think they’re just down there, try not to break anything.”

Karl chuckled, “No promises.”

You smiled and headed out of the isle, towards office supplies.

“Well, well, well, (y/n), fancy seeing you here.”

You froze in the middle of grabbing the biggest package of notecards, trying to keep your hand still as you turned, “John,,, uh hi?”

Now, John wasn’t the worst person, no your relationship wasn’t necessarily bad, but towards the end it definitely took a turn for the worse. When you’d first brought up breaking things off he was, less than thrilled, leaving the last few weeks of your relationship a battle field of screaming matches that consisted of little more than his yells.

“It’s been a while.” He smiled.

“Uhh, yeah, it has been.” You began to fidget with your fingers, eyes darting back up the isle towards where you’d left Nick, Alex and Karl.

“Let me guess, still single?” He laughed, “Yeah it would make sense, I’ve only pulled like one person since you.”

You glanced down, “Uhh, no actually.”

John frowned, letting acid drip into his voice, “Oh, I guess the were right when they said you always moved on fast.”

“It- it- it- it’s been a year and a half?” Your attempts to keep your voce steady began to fail, “And, I’ve only been dating one of them for a few months.”

-It was true, Alex had been the last one to join your relationship a few months ago-

His eyes narrowed, “You’re not telling me you’re still on the stupid polyamory thing are you?”

You cleared your throat uncertainly, “um, y- yeah, I have three boyfriends.”

He rolled his eyes, “There's no chance you’d ever fucking pull three people. Hell you barley even managed me.”

Your gaze stayed trained on the tile floor, unspeaking.

“It’s clear you haven’t moved past fucking your way into a relationship.”

You bit your lip, tears welling in your eyes as your breathing quickened, deep down you knew it wasn’t true, as a group you all respected Karl’s asexuality, even once, over some late night conversation of cuddles and lazily traded kisses, going so far as to promise that the relationship would remain entirely romantic if it made him more comfortable, and it had.

Still, there was a nagging in the back of your head, telling you that John was right. There obviously was only one reason they kept  you around.

“That really is a shame,” You felt his hand rest on your shoulder, “I know I would stay with you for more than that.”

“Get your fucking hand off of them or I will rip your arm off and beat you to death with it!”

You were simultaneously relieved and flooded with more anxiety upon hearing Nick’s voice.

“Who are you?” John asked skeptically.

“Their boyfriends, who the fuck are you?” Alex spit.

He laughed, dry and harsh, “So you’re the fucking idols who thought you could get away with dating (y/n), not that I care their very-”

“No, you shut the fuck up!” Nick cut him off before he could say anything else advancing up the isle towards him, “Why the fuck are you bothering them?!”

They continued a back and forth exchange, as you slowly slid down to the floor, nails pressing tightly into your palms, breathing far too fast.

“Hey, hey, (y/n/n), (y/n/n) look at me.”

You opened eyes that you didn’t realize had been screwed shut to see Karl kneeling sitting In front of you, looking worried.

“Can I touch you or no darlin?” He asked softly, almost making you forget the yelling happening only a few feet away.

You bit your lip, quickly shaking your head, the tiny seed of doubt John had planted in your mind starting to grow.

“Okay, that’s fine. Can you breath with me? In for seven, hold for 4 out for 8, yeah?”

After a moment of trying to breath in sync with him, you held out a hand, and understanding Karl took it, moving to pull you into his arms, “In for 7, out for 8, just like me alright?”

You all but melted into his touch, doing your best to breath normally again.

“Get the fuck outta here man!” Alex yelled.

“You’re gonna regret this.” John sneered.

“No,” Nick said firmly, “Your gonna regret messing with our partner if you don’t fucking leave.”

After you heard footsteps hurrying away you felt Alex settle on your other side, “You alright baby?”

“Their starting to breath normally again.” Karl reported, running a hand through your hair.

Nick sat down on Karl’s other side, and you all stayed sat on the floor of the offices supply isle, Alex sending death glares to anyone who tried to ask you to move.

Eventually you sat up, sniffing.

“Who was that?” Nick asked softly.

“My ex.” You murmured.

“Why was he bothering you? What did he say?”

“Stupid stuff,” You muttered, rubbing at your eyes, “C’n we go home now?”

“Of course Darlin.” Karl assured, standing up and turning to help you up.

~~

Later, back at the apartment, after everything had been put away, you all ended up in a cuddle plie on the couch, and that seed of doubt was beginning to shrivel with every pass Nick’s hands made through your hair, every small circle Alex absently traced into your palm and every tiny joke Karl made about the movie playing.

“Guys?” You asked softly.

“Yeah?” Alex asked.

“I love you.”

Karl grinned, “We love you too.”

Alex pressed a kiss to your knuckles in understanding and Nick  hummed in response.

The tiny seed of doubt was gone.

[anxious2dsimp]

Haikyuu Dads celebrating Mother's Day | Osamu, Iwaizumi, & Kuroo

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡*✧･ﾟ:˚۰˚☽˚｡･:

Pairings: Osamu x Reader, Iwaizumi x reader, Kuroo x Reader.

Flavor: Fluffy af bby ☁️

Reader: Female Mother!Reader

Format: Drabbles (1.1k words total)

Warnings: None, just fluffy mom (y/n) enjoying her lovely family.

A/N: Mother's Day just really sent me into a Haikyuu dads brainrot and these scenarios have been stuck in my head all day. Enjoy!

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡*✧･ﾟ:˚۰˚☽˚｡･:

Osamu

You tried to stifle your giggles as you sat at your home’s dining room table, the sound of childish bickering and hushed laughter coming from behind the closed kitchen door. “I’ll take the plates, you take the flowers,” the voice of one of your little boys demanded. “Nuh, uh! S’ my turn to take the food, I pwomise I won’t dwop it,” the youngest of the two boys replied while you could hear your husband’s quiet snorts in the background. Your face of surprise was ready when the door swung open a few seconds later to reveal your two sons holding onto either side of a plate, your husband standing behind them keeping an eye on them and the food so it got soundly to where you sat. Osamu and you exchanged a soft smile at the sight of your two boys working together with a concentrated pout that reminded you of their father’s as they slowly brought the food over. Heart-shaped onigiris of your favorite flavor plated with sesame seeds forming a smiley face were placed in front of you, the oldest smiling proudly as he boasted about how they made them themselves. You ruffled their hair and congratulated both boys who beamed at your comment on how they were greater cooks than their father. The cook in question sharing a knowing grin with you, both aware that in reality, he had made all the bases while the kids ensembled the shapes. “Happy Mother’s Day!” The two kids hugged you tightly in your chair, climbing onto you as you hug them back, feeling your heart swell with pride at what your husband and you had created. “Happy Mother’s Day,” Osamu said as he walked over to you, his lazy smirk paired with eyes full of love as his rough hand lifted your chin to capture your lips in a kiss. “Eww get a woom!” the youngest one exclaimed, as the older one made gagging sounds, you and your husband breaking apart to share a surprised look as you both chuckled, trying to figure out where the little boy learned that, probably uncle Atsumu. That Sunday at home, as you shared lunch with your three favorite people in the world to celebrate, all you felt was warmth.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡*✧･ﾟ:˚۰˚☽˚｡･:

Iwaizumi

Your eyes fluttered open at the feeling of your husband’s side of the bed being empty like it usually was early in the mornings, when he went for his run or cooked a healthy breakfast. He had kept this up even since the birth of your little girl, making it a bonding moment between them as he brought her energetic self along. Hajime knew how much effort it took to keep up with work and motherhood along with so many other things, so he loved sharing time with her daughter with the added bonus of it giving you a well-deserved rest. The sound of the bedroom door opening woke you from the gentle slumber you didn’t realize took over you to see your shirtless husband with your 8-month-old daughter babbling happily on one arm, both bathed in the warm sunlight of that beautiful Friday morning. Looking at where your daughter was reaching for before her familiar olive eyes landed on you, you were surprised to find a tray with a fruit smoothie and an omelet along with a bouquet of your favorite flowers. An amused smile appeared on your lips as you raised an eyebrow at Hajime as a form of a silent question. “Happy Mother’s Day,” he said, his voice still groggy and laced with sleep mindfully soft as to not to disturb the peace and quiet that enveloped the three of you like a spell, a love-sick smile on his face. “It’s today? Aww, thank you Haji,” you said wholeheartedly, the idea of this being the first of many years to come celebrating Mother’s Day making you teary-eyed as your husband put down the tray beside you. Giving you a peck, he hummed happily as he delicately took your daughter’s hands and waved them as he exclaimed in his baby talk voice; “happy first Mother’s Day mom, dad thought we should make it memorable.” You giggled at your husband’s antics, which nobody would guess considering his tough exterior. You and your daughter were and would always be his soft spot.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡*✧･ﾟ:˚۰˚☽˚｡･:

Kuroo

A huff escaped your lips at the weight of two small bodies landing on top of you on the couch, they had managed to sneak up on you as you were immersed in your laptop propped up in the table in front of you. You and your husband had taken that Tuesday afternoon off to celebrate Mother’s Day, Tetsurou going to pick up your daughter and son from school as you headed home and wait for them there. Between huffs and breathy laughs, the two kids wished you a happy Mother’s Day for a second time that day, and you managed to thank them before you felt a much heavier body pile on top of you three. “Daaad!” The eldest son groaned playfully as he tried to push of your husband who was carefully putting down part of his body weight on all of you. “You’re heavy,” your little girl whined between giggles as she tried to shield herself in your grasp. “Am I heavy or are you three just weak?” You could hear Kuroo’s knowledgeable smirk in his voice, the same one you fell in love with, as you scoffed dramatically in response. “We’re stronger than you Mr. Know-it-all,” you said in a sing-song voice as you started pushing your husband off of you, him only allowing you to when his two kids joined him. Once you had all calmed down you hugged your children and thanked them for the colorful cards and macaroni frames they put all their efforts into making at school. “My turn,” your husband exclaimed with his mouth full as he placed down his slice of cake and plopped down next to you, pulling out a small bag from behind the couch. Inside was a necklace locket, that you opened to reveal a picture of the four of you. “Tetsu, it’s beautiful, thank you,” you said as you hugged him tightly, yet you both knew you weren’t just thanking him for the thoughtful gift, but also for the wonderful life that you had created together. “No, thank you,” he replied, his tone genuine and filled with love as your kids pouted. You spent the rest of the afternoon spending quality time as a family and reassuring your two kids that their gifts were better than their father’s, who cheered them up with his “infamous” science puns, as he liked to say.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡*✧･ﾟ:˚۰˚☽˚｡･:

Pls I'm too soft for this😭 hmu with your thoughts and requests! <3